I just don't know

Sometimes I think I need a sabbatical. I still love the Trad, but I don't love my coven mates. Most of them really get on my nerves, and every time we circle, I end up in tears at some point. They are NOT my friends. If I needed them, they would NOT be there. I am tired of listening to them all talk about themselves and their wonderful lives nonstop, while I sit next to them, saying nothing and dying inside. The hole I am in is getting deeper and deeper, and I am so alone. No one cares about me--not even my best friend of more than 30 years. It's all a big fucking lie.

Just to stay current...

I am moving, if I can find anyone to move my crap. And if I can find the deposit $$$. Otherwise, I'll end up on the street.

I need to determine my focus.

I kind of forgot that I started a blog. My daily life is pretty dull, so it's not like there's anything to write about but the bad stuff, of which there is plenty. I'm also not sure what I want the blog to be about. Is it about crafts, or is it about The Craft? It kind of seems that I should keep them seperate. I'd like to be able to write on the various communities I belong to and send people to my blog, but the nice craft ladies might be horrified to end up on a blog about witchcraft. But it is difficult for me to compartmentalize my life in that way. Both these things are important to me.

Establishing habits

I've been sick since yesterday. One of my prescriptions does a number on my digestion. Now I'm feeling better. I had to lie down for a few minutes earlier this evening and the dog and the cat(Leeter) both came running and snuggled against me. My spirit felt better after that.

I did some playing in my journal this morning. I dug out some Yes! paste from my supply stash. I've had it for a couple of years but I've never used it. I've been missing out--it's fabulous. You don't need to add much water(I just got my brush damp), so nothing wrinkles. Now I want to do some collage. I usually avoid collage due to the mess potential, but this stuff is just begging to be mooshed onto the page. I used it to glue in a large piece of gift wrap with a pattern I really like. Its chocolate brown with brightly-colored, stylized flowers. The pattern is called "Scandia" and the flowers look vaguly like Dala horses.

Payday is on Friday, so we've made it. I defrosted the last meat in the house this morning and am cooking a meatloaf now. I'm always a little shaky at the end of the month as I tend to eat too many carbs. They're cheaper, though. I'm looking forward to the meat.

I'm not writing very coherently because my head hurts and I'm hungry. Oh well.

Attempts to move things forward

My artwork and crafting goes in cycles. I made several socks in the spring, including 2 complete pairs, 2 singles and part of another single. Then I got bored and spent a few weeks reading and drawing/art journaling. Then I went back to knitting and finished the half completed sock and made its mate; and I'm around half way through the first of yet another. Plus, there have been several aborted attempts that I unraveled and re-stashed the yarn.

I had a circle last night in my living room. I haven't been able to do much lately since my mom is living here and the living room is now her bedroom. So last night I sent her, the dog and one of the cats into the bedroom for the evening and sat up the whole thing. My space is wonky for deliniating the cardinal points, plus I have dog toys and mom-stuff all over the floor. I really want some candleholders like C has for the coven. She got them at Ikea and said they were cheap. D has ones I like even better, but they came from Pier 1 and were not cheap. So I had a weird, lopsided circle with randomly placed candles for fire safety.

The ritual itself went well. I used my own version of the trad circle opening. It was nothing like it is with the whole group but it probably would have been decent if I had a working partner. The energy was definitely there. Without everybody else there it went fast. Roo stayed in the living room with me. Since the circle was already lopsided, I went ahead and drew her in. She just hung out on her pink bordello bed, watching. Roo loves any kind of energy work. I also did a spell but the whole thing took less than half an hour. I'd like to do another one tonight, but its a hassle to evict everyone from the living room, move the furniture, fight the candles and set up/take down the altar for such a short ritual. So I can work on my version of the script instead.


I have to go and get an emissions test because my tabs need to be renewed this month (which seems to be ending next week), Blah. I think that's a huge scam to get money out of people. My car is 7 years old and had an emissions test the year before last. They just want the 20 bucks I could be spending on groceries.

Testing, testing.